Engine Blood: Canadian GP

* DANNO'S DONE IT!  And in another world exclusive, Engine Blood were the first on the scene to secure this exclusive picture of the Australian's wild celebrations:

Until they disqualify him for spurious reasons again, at which point he may look more like this:

* A well-judged first win from the increasingly popular fellow was the tip of an iceberg of enthralling action.  It just goes to show that when Formula One gets it right, it gets it right - more by accident than design, though - and more often than not it's at the "outdated" circuits like Montreal, Spa, Silverstone and Monza that it does so.

With that said, we should say something about our recent silence.  Some have speculated that Engine Blood took a little hiatus due to the regular return to the top of the podium of our least favourite driver - we're not saying he's not a great driver, by the way, just that he's an utter annoyance - but actually, it's been the sheer lack of action that's poured cold water on the venture.

Say what you will about Vettel's dominant display last season, but there were still compelling stories being told throughout the rest of the grid.  This year, the technical changes have given us ugly cars that sound wrong and the absolute dominance of a single team and engine, to a level not seen since at least the Schumacher Era and arguably as far back as 1988's near lock-out by McLaren.

In the time that Engine Blood has been going, there simply hasn't been a season this metronomic, and it's hard to come up with compelling writing when there's almost nothing going on.  We exhausted the variations on the stock "aren't-Mercedes-doing-well-this-year-it's-because-they-started-development-earlier" article after the first race - which brings us to our next point...

* Engine Blood is a not-for-profit affair (though we must make it clear we would be more than happy to sell out totally to any brand willing to put some cash our way), which at least gives us the option of simply buggering off until things get interesting. 

But what of the Brundles, Jordans and - shudder - Suzy "Why, God?  Why?" Perrys of this world?  They still need to justify their money by trying to dress this season up as something other than a chore.  How about a good inter-team feud story to spice things up?

There is a slight problem with this, and his name is Nico Rosberg.  Certainly a competent driver, Nico is not the most engaging personality, so the best characterisation that the British motorsport press can come up with is Foreign Threat, and that's both wearisome and overdone - not that it's stopped anyone...

* Handily for the hype men, Lewis Hamilton is being his usual easily rattled self.  As a friend pointed out recently, Lewis has scaled even giddier heights of delusion and now seems to think he is actually Ayrton Senna.  Whilst we have not yet seen anything as bad as his famous Ali G incident, one must imagine that a second equipment failure against Rosberg's bulletproof reliability will likely set his paranoia off again, so expect to see the rock star entourage back in Austria.

The upshot of all this is that the media have succeeded in almost entirely manufacturing an inter-team feud, and that feud has passed from media creation to undeniable fact when refracted through the lens of Hamilton's psyche.  Maybe he could borrow Romain Grosjean's sports psychologist?  I mean, look at how well he's doing now...

Oh.  Never mind, then.

* Felipe Massa had a stunning race, so it was a real shame he ended it embedded in a barrier.  That was a seriously nasty-looking crash, and if the unfortunate (not permanently, just this time) Sergio Perez's Force India had an issue that made braking extremely difficult, surely he was morally obliged to retire?  Even Hamilton managed that, for heaven's sake.

The drivers were taken for precautionary brain scans, which must have brought back unpleasant memories of past horror crashes for both, but early indications are that both are fine.  Whilst it was a spectacular image to close the race on, we can live without that particular sort of excitement, especially when there's wheel-to-wheel racing between teams of all descriptions.

* Engine Blood will try to return next time, but since most of the excitement this time was caused by Mercedes being mysteriously hobbled by a bizarre engine bug, it's most probably back to square one for the championship.  We would be remiss, however, if we didn't take this chance to congratulate Marussia on becoming the first of the 2010 new team intake to score points, via Jules Bianchi's excellent performance in Monaco.

It should be noted that Caterham were also in the running for points at that race until a shunty overtaking move by Bianchi crippled Kobayashi's car; with Tony Fernandes vowing to pull out at the end of the season if no points are scored, it looks like he'll have a lot more time to watch QPR get relegated next season.

And THAT's all the blood that's fit to drain!  Great to be back, America!

R.I.P. Warrior

"Every man’s heart one day beats its final beat.  His lungs breathe their final breath.  And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them bleed deeper and something larger than life then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized.  By the story tellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever.  You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior.  In the back I see many potential legends.  Some of them with warrior spirits.  And you will do the same for them.  You will decide if they lived with the passion and intensity.  So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends, as well.  I am The Ultimate Warrior.  You are the Ultimate Warrior fans and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever." - The Ultimate Warrior, 7 April 2014

Each Holding An ORB: Prologue

Engine Blood: Australian GP - Updated!

GO!  GO!  GO!  Finally, the talk is over - the interminable, barely-interpretable testing is over, and the ugly, ugly cars have been driven in anger for the first time in what the BBC is sadly referring to as the "Hybrid Era" of Formula One.  So let's respond by lashing straight into this race report with gusto, all guns blazing!

* FLAG REVIEW

...Are we still doing this bit?

At least it's a slightly interesting one: good old Blighty's own flag is ascendant in the upper left hand corner, with some stars knocking about the place.  Could have done with some hearts and clovers to up the gaudiness factor, but we can't have everything, can we?

* Britney takes the win by a country mile, and with McLaren, Williams and Force India having strong showings, it would seem to suggest that in trying to break the dominance of Red Bull, the rulemakers have cleared the way for Mercedes to dominate.  Way to go, geniuses!

* But whither his teammate and polesitter, Celebrity Racing Driver Lewis Hamilton?  Out on lap 3, because new rules.  Reigning champion Sebastian Vettel had a similarly dour day at the office, but was able to take some solace from the performance of his new Australian deputy Daniel Ricciardo, who took a sensational second place to become the first Australian to finish in a podium position at his home GP.  And look how happy he was!

(He is not, however, the first Australian to stand on the podium at the Aussie GP, as some sources have claimed; that honour belongs jointly to Mark Webber and Paul Stoddart, who had their own little podium ceremony after Mark finished 5th there in 2002.  Pedantic, yes; correct, very much so.)

* However, at the time of writing Ricciardo - can we decide how to pronounce this, by the way?  Engine Blood were led to believe it was "Rick-ard-oh", as in eighties legend Patrese, rather than "Rick-ee-ard-oh", as many used today - had been disqualified, because new rules.  Red Bull will be appealing, because new rules.  It's clearly darkened Mr Ricciardo's formerly ebullient mood, as can be seen in the picture below:

* A great day for the latest generation of drivers, as McLaren's Kevin Magnusson took an eye-catching second place.  He's looking like the genuine article, but let's also applaud Daniil Kvyat, who brought his Toro Rosso back in ninth place for points on his debut, finishing a mere three seconds behind his teammate Jean-Eric Vergne, who's been with the team for two years already!

Even Caterham's Marcus Eriksson had a competent debut, albeit one that was curtailed at around half distance.  We'll discuss his colleague in a second, but just to note that Marussia may have wrapped up the tiny team battle early today, with Max Chilton hanging on to finish 13th.  That's all it took last year...

* Yes: Kamui Kobayashi, then.  We're well known for being Kobayashi apologists here at Engine Blood, and predictably we bandied about all the usual excuses - cold tyres after a second formation lap, lack of practice starts, solar radiation, it must somehow be Hamilton's fault - but he has issued an immediate and profuse apology, so let's move on and cross our fingers for next time after his great performance in qualifying.

EDIT: However, not one day later, we found out that it wasn't Kobayashi's fault after all - the telemetry has proved there was a mechanical failure on the car.  Hooray?  Well, it's the same disappointing result, but at least Kamui keeps his good name.

Sadly, Felipe Massa got speared by the unfortunate Japanese, robbing him of a prime chance to impress post-Ferrari.  A real shame as well, as Valtteri Bottas was in scintillating form, though he did hit a bum note by kissing the wall and losing a tyre.  Williams clearly have a great package right now, but need to impress in the next few races or risk outdevelopment by Ferrari and Red Bull.

* Anything else?  Hulkenberg's great, but we all knew that anyway...  Both Ferraris scored, though they've not got the legs of the Mercedes runners...  Kimi Raikkonen is said to be struggling with front end performance...  What was up with that aborted start?  That wasn't well explained at all...  I am assured that both Saubers started and finished the race, but you'd be hard pressed to tell from the television...  Lotus are in real, real trouble - and not just for their driver selection, this time...  Can we have a rethink on the BBC coverage?  Never mind the bloody "goddess of speed/hewn from marble" twaddle at the start, just sack the useless Suzy Wossname and you've improved it 100%.

We're off the mark, so join us next time for all the blood that's fit to drain!

Engine Blood: Let's Get Ready To Rumble

Yes, the cars look horrendous.

 

Yes, the engines sound weak.

 

Yes, Lewis Hamilton's still involved.

But come on, everybody - it's Formula One!  We've got the scent of Engine Blood, and it's nearly time for a new season of thrills, spills and boring conversations about gear ratios...  Oh hang on, Di Resta's gone; even better!

So Engine Blood are GO!  GO!  GO!...ing to bed early tonight, and watching the highlights tomorrow, like any good up to the minute news service; see you tomorrow, if we can be bothered.  YAY!

Engine Blood's Guide To 2014: Red Bull

IN SHORT: Taurine cars.  Geddit?

HISTORY: Formerly Jaguar, which itself was formerly Stewart, the moribund outfit was taken over by the world-renowned purveyors of sickly energy drinks: Monster.  Only joking!  Despite a pedigree in lower formulae and extreme sports, nobody expected the kind of success that the newly-christened Lucozade team (ho!  They're on a roll) achieved.

For the last five seasons they have produced one of the best cars; in four of those seasons, they have won the both drivers and constructors championships as if from nowhere.  The dream team will most probably dissolve in the next few seasons - Vettel to Ferrari seems a sure thing at some future date, and boss Christian Horner is Bernie Ecclestone's hand-picked successor - but for now, they are the big dogs that run this yard.

THE LOOK:

Source: Metro

Ah.  Well, that's not too bad - though there were no pictures of it moving for obvious reasons, so we've had to go for an awkward smiling driver shot - and if you ignore the ugly black hump at the front, it's probably the most conventional looking car we've seen.  Though that's the least of their problems now...

ENGINE: Renault.  Red Bull and Renault's partnership has been absolutely bulletproof for the past four years, but pre-season testing has not gone well for any Renault-engined teams.  There's a lot of bullish (oh!  A delicious pun.  Will the jokes never end?) talk about how they might well be five seconds faster than anyone else, they just can't tell as they haven't actually got going properly yet; still, must be a worrying time for the champions elect.

DRIVERS:

1 (5). Sebastian VETTEL (GER) - Last year: Champion (397 points, 13 wins - here we go: Malaysia, Bahrain, Canada, Germany, Belgium, Italy, Singapore, Korea, Japan, India, Abu Dhabi, USA and Brazil)

3. Daniel RICCIARDO (AUS) - Last year: 14th (20 points, best finish: 7th, China and Italy)

Sebastian Vettel - one of the greats?  The debate rages on around the world, except in Britain where everyone's decided he's useless despite all evidence to the contrary.  In all seriousness, all we can accuse him of is being highly driven and better than us at high speed driving; admittedly it would be interesting to see what he could do in a worse car, but we may well get that chance this season.

Daniel Ricciardo is the second product of Red Bull's total approach to driver's careers, having been fed up the ladder and through Toro Rosso.  It's been hard to tell exactly how talented he is thus far, but the team could have had its pick of drivers and went for him, and it's not like wages need to be cut back at present, so we're looking forward to finally meeting him this year.

LAST YEAR: Champions, 596 points

Mark WEBBER (AUS) - 3rd (199 points, best finish: 2nd - Malaysia, Great Britain, Japan, Abu Dhabi and Brazil)

Despite the never-ending splurge of Vettel wins listed above, things did not look so rosy at the midway point of the season, with both Mercedes drivers plus Alonso and Raikkonen snapping at Vettel's heels.  It was his usual extraordinary run in the Asian races which really put the tin hat on everything, with Webber opting to hang up his helmet rather than risk the massive overdose of Canberra Milk that could have got him back on terms with his younger and better team mate.

PROSPECTS: Haven't managed much running in testing, so it's looking pretty poor - but we suspect all is not lost for them quite yet.

Engine Blood's Guide To 2014: Mercedes

IN SHORT: Silver turns to gold?

HISTORY: A wee bit odd.  Not related to the original Mercedes team, it does still have a championship pedigree, having sprung from the outlet run by Ken Tyrrell which powered Sir Jackie Stewart to multiple titles, which went through a few different iterations to get here - including the smack-talking disappointment of British American Racing and the world-loving, environment-hugging huge carbon-belching corporation Honda.

Enter Ross Brawn, who rescued the team when Honda felt the pinch of the global financial crash, and promptly won the title due to a clever interpretation of the rules.  Mr Brawn's services have been dispensed with recently - Mercedes swept in when things began to sour with McLaren, and now they have a team of their very own, with no need to pander to Ross or Ron Dennis.

THE LOOK:

Source: The Week (credit: Mark Thompson)

So on the evidence of our last two photos, this is the second most popular take on the concept: a dramatically sweeping nose with a not-quite-walrus look around the front wing.  They do at very least look more like these cars should, which is all we can apparently expect going forward.

ENGINE: Mercedes.  What are you, thick?

DRIVERS:

6. Nico ROSBERG (GER) - Last year: 6th (171 points, 2 wins - Monaco and Great Britain)

44. Lewis HAMILTON, celebrity motor racing driver (GB) - Last year: 4th (189 points, 1 win - Hungary)

We're not doing the whole "let's compare Nico to his much cooler father Keke" thing again.  He has proved himself to be a perfectly capable, if not exactly memorable driver, who keeps his head down and stays out of trouble.  As such there's not a great deal to say about him, which is quite annoying when that's what you're trying to do.

Lewis Hamilton - Rubbish Or Not?  The debate rages on around the world - though not in Britain, where canonisation has already been completed.  When engaged he's quick, though he drives (and particularly overtakes) like he's on the PlayStation and has invulnerability turned on, which is a real bummer for the rest of the field.  When unengaged he's surly, offensive, accusatory and refuses to take responsibility for his actions.  Which Lewis will turn up this season?  And will it matter, given his celebrity status?

LAST YEAR: 2nd (360 points)

Mercedes finally came to life last year, eventually pipping Ferrari to second place in the constructors championship.  But L'il Lewis certainly didn't have it all his way, and was looking increasingly embarrassed as we approached mid-season, with Britney on two wins and Lewis with little more than a team-ordered third place to show for his efforts.  Hungary changed all that, and the end of the season was much kinder to the celebrity, whose consistent finishes saw him win the intra-team battle.

PROSPECTS: According to pre-season testing, very good indeed.

Engine Blood's Guide To 2014: Scuderia Ferrari

IN SHORT: You what?  It's bloody Ferrari, you loon.  If you've never heard of them we really can't help you.

HISTORY: Breaking records and taking names since the very start of the World Drivers' Championship all the way back in 1950, the eternally red Italian team are the most successful team in the history of the sport.  They sent Maserati packing, survived the British invasion of BRM and Tyrrell, waved bye-bye to Brabham and the original Lotus team and outlived the successes of Williams and (at the moment) McLaren.

Red Bull have done nothing to suggest they won't be just another victim, but Ferrari themselves have suffered some slings and arrows recently; they've not consistently challenged for the title since Michael Schumacher's half-decade of domination, and haven't taken one since 2007.  Failure is tolerated even less at the Scuderia than at McLaren, so the pressure is on to get their hands on the big prize soon.

THE LOOK:

Source: BBC Sport
 

OK; so far, so not nearly as bad as the Lotus.  Ferrari have a pretty unique take on the design limitations, with this suddenly-flattening affair.  From the front, it could be a normal looking Formula One car - and that's about the biggest compliment we can pay a car this year.

ENGINE: Ferrari.  Duh.

DRIVERS:

7. Kimi RAIKKONEN (FIN) - Last year: 5th (183 points, 1 win - Australia)

14. Fernando ALONSO (SPA) - Last year: 2nd (242 points, 2 wins - China and Spain)

We cannot even begin to imagine what idiot thought this would be a good pairing of drivers.  Raikkonen may be Ferrari's last world champion, but his refusal to compromise his lap-dancin', shit-takin', public-relations-events-no-showin' lifestyle made relations increasingly difficult.  The team will hope he's fully healed from his recent back operation; Kimi will just be hoping this team will pay him.

Which leaves Alonso.  Still eating out on beating Schumacher in 2005 and 2006, his petulant whistleblowing at McLaren and involvement in "Crashgate" would have been banged on about for years had the German maestro done them, but like Noel Gallagher wishing terminal venereal diseases on his competitors it's all been swept under the carpet.  Well liked, but a title was expected, and even with Massa's full support he couldn't get one; what odds another tantrum if Kimi gets the better of him?

LAST YEAR: 3rd (354 points)

Felipe MASSA (BRZ) - 8th (112 points, best finish: 3rd, Spain)

Poor Felipe's confidence has been in pieces since the triple threat of his life-threatening accident, the "Fernando is faster" incident (he clearly wasn't, either) and the year of Lewis Hamilton-related accidents.  He may well be better off at Williams, at least psychologically.  On the other side of the garage, Alonso's fleeting interest quickly waned as they lost pace relative to Red Bull and Mercedes.

PROSPECTS: If the driver pairing works, very good.  If not...

Engine Blood's Guide To 2014: Lotus

IN SHORT: They were acceptable in the eighties; they were acceptable at the time.

HISTORY: The Enstone team - The Artists Formerly Known As Toleman, Benetton And Renault - have had a very odd tenure in Formula One, with titles for Michael Schumacher and Fernando Alonso and a who's who of excellent drivers - Nelson Piquet!  Ayrton Senna!  Gerhard Berger!  Robert Kubica!  Johnny Herbert!

(Oh, come on: he was a decent driver.  Three more wins than Brundle...)

Sadly this came mixed with season after season of mediocre performances, the infamous Megatron engine and a period spent employing The Unfortunate Vitaly Petrov.  They've rallied in the last couple of years thanks to reminding everyone of the eighties with their black and gold livery, plus the rehabilitation of Kimi Raikkonen; sadly they forgot to pay him, and their greatest asset has hobbled off into the sunset, leaving a skint team with an uncertain future.

THE LOOK:

Source: Autosport

HOLY JESUS!  The...  What the...  Why?  We can't...  Whatever did you...  Ni...  It's got...

Sigh.  We're not looking forward to this season.

ENGINE: Renault, just like in them eighties.  Remember then?  When Phil Cool's rubber-faced Aquaphibian impersonations had them rolling in the aisles?  When the showdown between the Sinclair Spectrum and the Commodore 64 had as all on the edge of our seats?  And when the Enstone actually had some money?

DRIVERS:

8. Romain GROSJEAN (FRA) - Last year: 7th (132 points, best finish: 2nd, USA)

13. Pastor MONEYNADO (VEN) - Last year: 18th (1 point, best finish: 10th, Hungary)

We coined the phrase "Grosjeanned" two years ago, to describe the process or experience of being driven into by Romain Grosjean, usually on lap one.  It was used so often on these pages that it has been accepted into the Oxford English Dictionary*.  He matured into the team leader role at the end of last season, albeit with the help of a sports psychologist, and this is his year to step up or shut up.

Pastor Maldonado will have you believe that Williams were deliberately sabotaging him last year; that's a scary prospect if true, but it doesn't seem he's been able to back up his accusations with any proof at present.  What he does have is Venezuelan oil millions, which got him into this cash-strapped team over the vastly better Nico Hulkenberg.  Maldonado is a race winner - somehow - and if motivated may be able to deliver to a certain extent, but has a very low upside compared to most.

LAST YEAR: 4th (315 points)

Kimi RAIKKONEN (FIN) - 5th (183 points, 1 win: Australia)
Heikki KOVALAINEN (FIN) - 21st (0 points, best finish: 14th, USA and Brazil)

Raikkonen looked to be a championship challenged for all of one race; it was downhill from there of course, but it was a nice dream while it lasted.  Again, Kimi based his tactics on tyre preservation with much success, whilst his teammate got on with the important business of trying not to suck.  Spare a thought for poor Heikki as well, who apparently ruined his chance of a Caterham return with his under-par substitute performances.  Mind you, it might have been a lucky escape.

PROSPECTS: Lost their head honcho to McLaren at the last second, and with the begging bowls already out this could be quite a rubbish term.

* = not even slightly true

Engine Blood's Guide To 2014: McLaren

IN SHORT: The dark lord reigns again.

HISTORY: One of the most famous and successful teams ever, we won't go too far into their successes with Fittipaldi, Hunt, Prost, Senna and Hakkinen, and instead act as the team themselves are doing, and say that none of that matters because they had a bit of a dodgy season last year.

They had tried to escape the long shadow of the Unspeakable One himself, Regent Ron Dennis, but Martin Whitmarsh was executed at the end of last season, with former Lotus boss Eric Boullier being shuffled into the dead man's shoes to become the new Darth Vader to Dennis' Emporer Palpatine.  The edict?  Improve or perish.

THE LOOK:

Source: McLaren's official website

We've got something of a reputation as McLaren bashers around here (for the record, it's not exactly the team that we don't like, it's more Ron Dennis and Lewis Hamilton), but you know what?  This may be 2014's best looking car, which is faint praise but they do deserve credit for making the idiocy of the new design features look not only deliberate but logically integrated.  Bravo, sirs.

ENGINE: Mercedes.  McLaren are the original Mercedes customers, but the relationship has soured in recent years as Mercedes bought their own team and McLaren largely showed them up until last year.  McLaren have therefore lured Honda back onto the scene, hoping for a repeat of 1988's dominance - 15 out of 16 races won, fact fans! - but they won't be ready until next year, leading to this rather awkward final campaign.

DRIVERS:

20. Kevin MAGNUSSON (DEN) - Last year: Formula Renault 3.5 (Champion, 274 points, 5 wins - Aragon, Belgium, France, Catalunya [2])

22. Jenson BUTTON (GB) - Last year: 9th (73 points, best finish: 4th, Brazil)

Engine Blood saw Kevin Magnusson's dad, Jan, beating erstwhile Indycar champion Dario Franchitti to the British Formula 3 title back in the day, live at Silverstone.  Jan too was heavily backed by McLaren, before having a bit of a tantrum and going off to underwhelm at Stewart F1, and is generally considered to be someone who never paid off on his early potential.  We say all this not to pull rank on being senior motorsports fans, but more because we haven't got a clue what Kevin will be like; a top team has plucked him from obscurity, so he must be reasonably good, and the last person who got this treatment from McLaren was a certain Lewis Hamilton...

The unlikely former world champion Jenson Button is transitioning towards the end of his career now, and if Magnusson impresses he may be unceremonious dumped for Alonso at the end of the season.  However, Button is crazy famous over in Japan, with a half-Japanese girlfriend and having made a huge effort for tsunami relief.  These things will matter to Honda, for whom he has also previously driven, and he still seems hungry, so this is a very interesting intra-team battle, as we must assume they are both fighting for a seat in 2015.

LAST YEAR: 5th (122 points)

Sergio PEREZ (MEX) - 11th (49 point, best finish: 5th, India)

Despite getting results that Force India or Sauber would have killed for, that's not really McLaren's niche, and as a brand using success in Formula One to sell incredibly expensive sub-Ferrari sportscars, their very survival hinges on getting a leg up on their rivals.  In the rush to assign blame for the only-dismal-by-their-standards season, Perez was sacrificed in part due to his rough racing with his teammate.  How sad to see a young man cast aside for an even younger man - especially when you're considerably older than both.

PROSPECTS: The Dread King has decreed that another 2013 is unacceptable; still, marking time until Honda turn up would be fine for any other team.