Before I start, I have to weigh in on the great debate that has rent Britain in twain over the last few weeks.
People, good people that I know and love, on both sides of this cataclysmic divide are engaging in increasingly acidic and bitter attacks on each other just for their simple, one-word answer to a single question, leading to a fracturing of the public psyche on an unprecedented scale.
I mean it's really lucky that there isn't something going on that the Government wants to distract everyone from *cough* Tony Blair Iraq enquiry *cough*, so there's no harm done at present, but we need to heal this rift as quickly as possible, so we can continue to practice democracy and move as a force to keep our politicians honest, and remind them exactly who they work for.
And in response to those who have clamoured to hear what side of the fence I fall on - all three of you - and at risk of further stoking the fires, I say this, and only this:
Donuts are a breakfast food.
Period. Now let's come back together and move on, everyone.
9. KENNY "The Bump"
Tempting as it is to make a South Park joke here, we should at least try to give this song a serious, critical review, such as is deserving of all melodic works.
So, here we go with a Bay City Rollers b-side - oh, what a great start there - by a band originally called Chufff, and yes, as far a I can tell there was a third "f", who were apparently completely different to this before they were discovered by some songwriters who gifted them four hits. And off they went, for a bit, and then they stopped. The circle of life, there.
I find this particular offering pretty annoying. Patterned after the dance fad of the same name, it doesn't seem to do much but extol the virtue of doing the bump, in a really patronising "look! All the cool kids are doing it!" kind of way. Well, I'm no conformist, so these guys can all just fade away.
By the way, you STILL haven't thanked me for linking you to The Exciters' version of "Tell Him" two posts ago. You're fucking welcome. That's the last time I help you out.
10. THE RUBETTES "Sugar Baby Love"
OK, I have two possible points of entry here:
1) The song "The Rubettes" by The Auteurs, which mentions this particular song in its mighty chorus, and was the first time I heard this song or band referred to. When the song was used in an advert not long after, I was able to put two and two together and realise what I was listening to.
This makes this the second post in a row to mention a Luke Haines song. Hello, Luke! "British Nuclear Bunkers" was great, a real return to good form. Could we please have an album of actual songs next time, though? With no overarching concept or plot? Cheers, mate! Much appreciated.
2) In Yoyogi Park in Tokyo, near the fashionable Harajuku district, the rockabilly gangs gather each Sunday, be-quiffed and clad in black leather, dancing round their record players and trying to out-rocker each other.
When I was privileged to witness this unique culture collision, likely inspired by the American occupation of the country post-WWII, one of the gangs played this song. I hope they were doing so ironically as the diabetes-inducing bubblegum pop really, really didn't fit with the image.
Which would you prefer?
11. FOX "Only You Can"
Now these are a band I've been interested in since I saw them on classic Top Of The Pops on BBC4 a few years ago; in fact if memory serves, they opened the first episode that was repeated on what was then Top Of The Pops 1976, with their then-top twenty hit "S-S-Single Bed", which was quite the earworm.
(As with all these things, memory might not actually serve and I could be totally wrong.)
Based on that, and this, they probably could have done better, with an innate instinct for a tune and the never less than coquettish Noosha Fox out front, but... Well, a number five hit isn't something to be sniffed at I suppose. At least it was back then, anyway. So... Yay?
You be the judge. Frankly I'm still pissed too off about that Exciters affair to spoonfeed you.
12. KISS "Rock And Roll All Nite"
Alright, now we're talking! Here's one of a handful of acts on here that I saw on the tracklist and went, "is this really glam? I mean the outfits, for sure, but really, musically?" And came out of it going, "Yes. Yes, this works. This is glam."
Plus: it's Kiss! The world-famous spectacle from Detroit, Michigan! The face-painted, bleeding, fire-breathing masters of bombastic stadium rock and splitting up a bit and replacing members, because they're just characters! And, oh the characters: the terrifying Demon! The cosmic Starchild! The also-cosmic Spaceman! And The Catman, who chases little balls of silver paper around the floor!
(There are two others but no-one really cares about The Fox and Ankh Wizard... Ankh Man Egyptian... Wizard Something... Dude?)
Seriously, if you can't be moved by weapons-grade rock 'n' roll like this, you are dead, man. Dead. Even though I probably only get to properly party down ev-er-y couple of weeks in these twilight years, this is still a mandatory part of said soundtrack when the time comes around.
And now it's time for Battlestar Galactica Forum... Where's me Cylon helmet?
Join us next time for a glass of champay-yin, why Joan Jett screaming like a harpy is the smartest move in rock 'n' roll and a Suede single from 1996. Oh, I should be so lucky... Wait, that was someone else.